I have seen David Bowies willy. Its burned into my psyche. It was just there, looking at me. I believe I will never be able to listen to young americans without feeling weird again.

The Man Who Fell to Earth doesn’t really make much sense at all. I mean I guess it was ok, all a bit strange – I guess some sort of mediation on what it is to have a family, and also have absolutely loads of money, what did you expect? What you probably didn’t know is that it is based on a true story. The government has been keeping it hushed up for a long time now because it would make everyone feel a bit odd, so don’t say I don’t bring you breaking news. Anyway I managed to secure a phone conversation with ‘the man who fell to earth’, I have transcribed it for you here, I have called him “David Bowie” to preserve his anonymity.

EFIHR: Hi, im glad you could speak to us, how are you?

David Bowie: Well, I’m bloody rich, which is nice.

EFIHR: So the film was pretty much exactly how it happened?

DB: Sure was. Im rich you see.

EFIHR: Er right, so can I ask you, your planet is dying from lack of water right?

DB: Yes, it is all quite sad, it all evaporated, we had to wear right awful reverse wetsuits

EFIHR: So you came to earth in search of water? What exactly was the plan, to take some back with you?

DB: Well…I hadn’t really thought that far ahead, I mean I already knew there was loads of water here – our name for your planet was something to do with water.

EFIHR: And you left your family behind, if you knew there was water why didn’t you bring them?

DB: Not enough room in the back of the rocket to be honest

EFIHR: But you did intend to go back

DB: Yeah, why do you think I bought all the crazy space technology, it was so I could get filthy rich and make a space ship to go back

EFIHR: Did you anticipate that it might take years? That your family might die before you made it

DB: Well it did occur to me, it was sort of a five year plan, I thought they would hold out that long – they have a sort of space hut don’t you know.

EFIHR: But the government stopped you from going? Why didn’t you just show them who you were?

DB: I had drunk too much gin.

EFIHR: Sounds like a bit of a cop out to me, moving on, is it true you engaged in, shall we say “extramarital relationships?”

DB: Well I suppose I can be honest about it, I was pretty much getting as much human action as I could

EFIHR: In the film it looks a bit like at one point that you don’t have any conventional human genitals and you do not have sex as we do

DB: yeah my winkle was just one I stuck on, it was all a good laugh though.

At this point a second man came onto the line claiming to be Davids “minder” and saying that the conversation had gone too far off track. I argued that he started it but to no avail. These may be the only words you’ll ever read from a bona-fide space alien.