I had completely forgotten about Escape Plan – which obviously would have been called Prison Break, had some inconsequential TV not already taken that name. When everyone in my world was going particularly crazy for The Expendables there was this little part of my brain that was repeatedly saying ‘But Stallone and Arnie are doing Escape Plan, I can’t wait for that either’. Then I saw the Expendables and promptly forgot that the other film even existed. That is, until I saw them, just sitting there on my TV, Stallone…Arnie…back to back…How could I forget such a thing? It was like a little surprise for myself. So how is the film? It’s brilliant. Just unadulterated, silly, brilliance. Arnie and Stallone are on the same side, but don’t let this get in the way of a good punch up. Stallone does some wise cracks; Arnie does many many more wise cracks. There is an emotional moment. The best thing about it is Stallone is playing his favorite ‘looks like a thug but it super intelligent’ character – he has even written a white paper about prison security don’t you know. It’s just great. In my experience these guys, in these silly action movies are a little bit marmite. You either think they are brilliant, hilarious, great, amazing, or you think they are getting too old for it. If you fall into the latter category, ask yourself, would the explosions be any less explodey, would the wisecracks be any less funny … would the plot be any less stupid, if anyone but these guys were starring in the film? Never. You’ll never out wisecrack Stallone and Arnie.
Sometimes (pretty often in fact) you go to the midnight showing of the new Expendables movie and then spend the rest of your fretful night wondering how many of the stars of your favourite, completely silly action franchise could be in a band together – for reasons that will only make sense if you see the movie, and even then motivation behind this silliness is rather tenuous. This lot can kill, but can they sing? Project : Singspendables.
Ex-Expendables (Ex-pendables?), new recruits etc. are included to give the best possible talent range …or something…
If you have never seen classic 80s movie Rhinestone go watch it right now, or just watch this video, it’s probably the best part and sort of makes me wish Stallone sung in all his movies. Stay out of my bedroom Ok, just stay out.
Twins, an Arnie classic. This is actually how Arnie showers. Seriously.
This actually happened, you might be tempted to just watch half, but hang around, and it gets amazing after two minutes. To be honest most musical performances could be improved in this way…
Terry proves that he has it even off the cuff … ish.
Proving he is cool in any situation, the first Expendable on the list with tune you might play without irony.
This is the second passable tune on the list, I mean, clearly this is group effort and I have no idea what it is about, none the less I will be playing this often because it makes me want to do martial arts in my kitchen.
That’s enough of the actually vaguely good singing for a moment. I am not sure Randys singing career is off to a great start, he looks like he is mildly confused.
Lazy Chuck, lazy, this is pretty much just talking. I mean, better work than Randy, but still. Don’t tell Chuck I said that, we all know what he can do.
Look, here is Liam pretending he can’t sing. I have read the original script though and it called for “Rousing duet” – had to be altered mid shoot because of this…apparently.
Fans of the Willis will know he has a band and has released a couple of albums. What I like about this video is how it makes him look like an angry Mr Potato Head.
I am not sure if Grammer is technically an expendable, but he makes the list because this performance from his previous life, before he got into the shady world of mercenary supplies, is pretty fun.
No real way to verify that this is really Ronda, but we’ll just assume. Bad song choice, but the performance gets a 8/10. Proving that even movie stars sing in the car.
I did not see this coming when I started project Singspendables. What a hero.
You didn’t know this right?
EXACTLY how you expected Harrison Ford to sing. Mumblemumblemumblemumble.
I am afraid, there were a few Expendables who just don’t seem to be singers, at least in the world of youtube. These honourable mentions will never make it into the Singspendables band, but they have some other skills that might mean they can at least come on tour:
Mickey is definitely in because he can play the organ whilst deflecting questions from an annoying blind women. Such great acting.
A shame that Expendables stalwart Statham can’t be in the band, but he can do the spoken word track on the b side at least.
Backing dancer. That is all.
And the bouncer. I mean, singspendables gigs can get pretty out of hand.
Hmmm, not sure what to make of this. Some kind of bad groupie decision I think. Letting the side down Lutz, singspendables will never tour with her.
Glen looks different here…oh…
So there it is – the band line-up. Some better than expected, some lacklustre performances, and the musical direction of the band is going to be a bone of contention, I have a feeling Snipes and Lundgrens styles are incompatible. Either way, let’s hope that Expendables four features a rendition of Stay Out of my Bedroom.
Big thanks to all the original video uploaders/content owners.
What a movie. The eponymous Cobra (Stallone) is part of the ‘zombie squad’, an elite section of the LA police force that does the jobs no one else wants, also known as killing bad guys when all the regular cops are sat twiddling their thumbs. That it is called a ‘squad’ is actually a misrepresentation, it seems to pretty much just be good old Sly all on his lonesome. He has a buddy, but he seems to be there just so Sly has someone to direct wisecracks at. Obviously, a guy named Cobra, on the zombie squad needs something a little more sinister than just your regular old criminals to deal with. This is the 80s, and nothing says excess like a serial killer gang with an axe obsession. It pretty much all goes down exactly as you expect it to, but there are a few little things that make this film slightly more awesome than … well … almost all other films. Look out for the crazy product placement. It is seriously in your face, and whilst you might well think that it is all about pepsi, one scene later in the movie features a Coke vending machine so prominently that it absolutely has to have been put there on purpose. The weird thing about it is though, this vending machine sits right in the middle of the only scene where everyone is truly safe and happy, the Pepsi stuff is equally conspicuous in the shoot out/fight scenes. Were I conspiratorially minded I’d argue that Coke paid a good chunk of money to have their product associated with the happy, nice scenes, whilst Pepsi takes more bullets than the bad guys. The second interesting thing about Cobra is that politically, it is on rather shaky ground. Cobra doesn’t believe in the judicial system, preferring to blast holes in bad guys instead. This isn’t a throw away line or two, it quite literally bookends the movie making the whole thing a manifesto for a sort of Judge Dredd style outlook on justice. The movie starts with Stallone listing some pretty grim crime statistics which serves to place the blasting the faces off the bad guys action that follows within a real world context, there is the potential to read the film as literally saying we should begin to police our cities in this fashion. We’ll put it down to 80s excess again, there is probably no point being a cop if you don’t just kill all the bad guys. Speaking of 80’s excess, Cobra was directed by George P. Cosmatos – probably the most 80s director of them all. There is a brilliant sense in Cosmatos movies that if something looks cool it should probably be in there, even if the storyline doesn’t really require it. So Cobra has millions of these little things, totally inappropriate police cars, dirt bikes, climatic fight scene in a foundry, shoot up in a superstore with added shotgun blasts of fruit, crazy awesome red filter over the whole of the opening credits, robots … the list goes on and on. Really it is a lament. The only movies that are being made at the moment which are even close to this on a silliness level are far too low budget to really get these things done right and properly, whilst all the big budget movies are too full of CGI or, for some weird reason, have storylines that are actually believable. That is, I suppose, except for The Expendables series. Ah Stallone, this is why you are my favorite.