After a recent dispute regarding Harry Potter and whether or not he is indeed a tosser I decided to launch a small investigation. Using a cannily disguised vanishing cabinet I travelled to Hogsmeade and found a small corner of the Three Broomsticks where I could talk in private. It took a while, but eventually I had spoken to a good number of Harry’s associates. I asked them all just one question “what do you think of Harry Potter”, here are their candid responses.

Ron Weasley – One time Best Friend

Harry? I don’t want to talk about him very much. I knew from day one, when he started flashing his cash on the Hogwarts express that he was a show off, it got even worse when it turned out he was the tits at broom flying. It only took till the end of first year for him to became ridiculously big headed and moody, I even saved his life, he didn’t even say thank you. Anyway after we all helped him defeat Voldemort he didn’t even come back and visit, spends all his time doing after dinner speaking now, what a gimposaurus-rex.

Hermoine Granger – Friend and one time sexual tension provider

I was really into Harry at one time, he was left an awful lot of cash by his parents you see, no one ever told me how they got it all, some sort of Gringotts ponzi scheme I think, but anyway he didn’t seem to realise he was the richest boy in the school and that was sort of a turn on. As it turned out he was a bit of an idiot, he just made the most ridiculous faces all the time, one wondered if there was anything going on it that head at all I mean once he couldn’t even guess that a parcel he received was a broomstick, despite it clearly being a broomstick – I saved his life at least once a year, not once did he say thank you. In the end I just went for his ginger mate.

Luna Lovegood – Friend

I saved his life once, he said thank you I guess but him and his friends were always a bit weird around me. They seemed to think I made things up you see, they didn’t believe in wrackspruts but they were perfectly happy to accept all sorts of ridiculous things like “wands choosing the wizard”. It just makes just no sense because how can you make a profitable pricing structure from a business where the product apparently has its own free will. Anyway, Harry, he just used me, took me to parties and things when he couldn’t get a date with anyone else. I realised this pretty early on, so I used to wear the most ridiculous outfits, he didn’t seem to even notice though.

Lucius Malfoy – Enemy

Oh it makes me sad to think of it. He was so beautiful, I knew from the day we met. I wanted him to be in my gang with Crabbe and Doyle, when he said no it was like an cruciatus curse to the balls. We used to steal long glances at each other from across the room, but eventually I began to become bitter, it was better he thought I hated him and so I convinced myself I did. To be young again, it was like Romeo and Juliet, things might have been different if only that damn sorting hat had put me in Griffindor.

Neville Longbottom – Friend

I know people thought I was a bit dumb when we started at school, but I was just playing the clown, it all worked out when I found the gym in the room of requirement. Without me Harry would never have got to save Fleur Delecours sister. Fleur was smoking hot and I swear he got some from that, he didn’t even say thank you. Oh well, I saw him down here last year, he looked exactly the same and that Ginny had really let herself go, I guess that is what happens when you spend too much time around Harry.

Albus Dumbledore – Headteacher (Now deceased, I conversed with his portrait)

Harry Potter. He was a good wizard, but absolutely clueless. Like a sort of puppy I suppose. I had to give him very simple tasks or his brain got too full and he made the most amusing faces. Everyone said he was the chosen one, he was, but it was me who chose him, I thought that as he had no parents it wouldn’t such a major issue if he got knocked off. That he pulled it off still astounds me, even though it has to be said it was 99% luck and the other 1% was his friends doing everything for him. Bit bloody disgraceful that I am dead now though isn’t it, and he is swanning around like he owns the place.

So there you have it, from those who knew him best, a candid portrait of ‘the boy who lived’.