Not only does ‘Hard Revenge Milly: Bloody Battle’ have one of the most brilliant titles ever, it’s also a stupidly good fun film as well. It comes out of the awesome woman revenge school that seems to be going great guns (pun intended) in Japan at the moment. It’s not the most original story, dystopic future, family killed by some bad guys (which may have happened in the first film, I have not seen) time to (unwillingly) get bits of your body replaced with weapons by a mad scientist and get some (bloody) revenge. Unsurprisingly, given that plot, the film clocks in at only just over an hour, more than enough time for all the fight scenes you need though. The film looks pretty good, given that it probably wasn’t funded through the roof with that title, there are some scenes outside which could easily have been from a movie with triple the CGI budget. The gore is classically executed, excessive artery squirting mayhem. All good fun. The bad guy spends a lot of time expounding the joys of being gay, which seems like a concerted effort to remind viewers that bad guys with awesome mechanical hands can be gay too, but really serves no plot purpose beyond that. The end sets up a third film as well, probably titled ‘Hard Revenge Milly : Artery squirters”.
Picture this, you are in prison, and that already sucks pretty hard, and you have this warden or prison guy in charge or whatever, and he is a complete nut case, real little man syndrome idiot. It sucks even worse. Then, get this, you do just some little infractions to wind up the asshole warden, not even big infractions like a murder or whatnot, but a pretty small one, and he sends you down the drain pipe! This is exactly what happens to poor Burt Lancaster and his buddies in Brute Force. It’s never really made that clear why they are digging in a drain pipe, but, given that everyone seems to die pretty quickly when they are down there, it doesn’t seem to be a very nice job at all. Anyway, Burt and his buddies don’t really like this one bit, understandable, and especially because they all seem like pretty stand up guys who don’t deserve to be in prison at all, they rather want to escape. They enlist the help of the prison doctor, who believes in all that ‘rehabilitation’ nonsense, he helps them all out a bit, as well as some of the nicest prison gangs you ever saw too, working for the prison newspaper, as if that is a thing. Then, at the end, spoilers alert, as the name suggests, they do a big riot, shoot the crap out of everything and generally prove that attempting to rehabilitate them would have been an awful idea because they are all clearly murder crazed lunatics.
This is a silly film. Its all too obviously an attempt to trade off the success of the many many other ‘mega … vs mega …’ movies that one cant really complain that it wasn’t obvious what we were getting into. Not least because the actual fight between said Komodo and Cobra doesn’t even happen until the very end. Anyway, basic premise, secret military laboratory, giant animals, killing everyone, bla bla bla. It has precisely one good jump moment, the cgi is awful and the acting is just what you’d expect. There are some self consciously funny moments, every gun has its ammo setting on unlimited, and the hard nosed boat captain is actually quite good fun. There is also one excellent, as far as I am concerned, running joke where a parrot squarks every time someone says a naughty word. This though is just not quite enough to save this movie from itself.
Maleficent is Disney playing around with being Disney, and it’s pretty impressive. They manage to maintain a good sense of what they have always been good at, little white princesses, whilst also managing to tie a new story around a very old one in a somewhat unexpected, but at the same time entirely predictable way. It’s a story of revenge gone awry really. I am not sure how the actual sleeping beauty fable ends, because I am a boy, but I am pretty sure this veers way off it at points. All the better for it really, the prince awakening the sleeping princess with a kiss always was rather vapid, and somewhat rapey. The movie looks very pretty indeed, there are all sorts of interesting creatures inhabiting its magical world, and whilst some very much fall into the “can’t wait to sell millions of these as soft toys” category, there are some that have a far more ethereal quality. There is probably some complex allegory in the film about losing one’s freedom and how one goes about living their life in the face of the abjectly careless world we live in, but it’s buried so deep it’s probably better to assume it is invisible. It’s a good re-working, it’s not going to make you change your whole world view, but it might make you re-consider your position when you next get dumped and someone tries to destroy your magical kingdom.
I, like most other people I think, rather enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy. It is an almost vomit inducing happy movie. It is all about being friends, even if your friends are homicidal cyborg type people, little furry things, and big strong guys. It is all led by a typically good looking guy with nice hair, but we’ll forgive them that – can’t stray too far from the ideals now. The story isn’t overly complicated, good looking guy has something which a lot of bad people want, and he has some chums who help him keep hold if it. There is never any real peril, even when it seems as though everyone might die they are not really that close to actually dying. Just getting a little frosty or shot or put in goo or blown up or whatnot. It’s a feel good movie that ramps up its feel good by pretending to be all irreverent and ‘Footloose’ but in reality is about vague notions of inclusivity and being nice to people, all lovely fun concepts for everyone to embrace. Fun fact, Vin Diesel plays a giant tree type guy who only says one (or two) words throughout the whole film. Must have been the best pay check ever.
Good things about Transformers : Age of Extinction
Optimus Prime and Bumblebee
Bad things about Transformers : Age of Extinction
Almost irresponsible amounts of product placement, not even inconspicuously in the background, like, actual beer bottles in the middle of a fight scene.
The moment when someone says “The Mongolian Desert” whilst gesturing at a map which clearly labels “The Mongolian Desert”.
A main female character, who is completely useless.
American football in China.
How the dinobots turn up.
Romeo and Juliet.
Beats by Dre speaker.
A secondary female character who is good at fighting.
Chinese security guards inexplicably saying one line in English.
For some inexplicable reason, the belief that Texas is the best place in the world.
Annoying fighting phrases.
Prime only says ‘Autobots roll out!’ after a load of other rubbish.
Ending not the ending.
Chicago destroyed, again.
Transformers juggling humans.
Everything in ‘China’ having way too much written on it.
All of the Transformers except for Optimus and Bumblebee.
Cigar Smoking Robot.
The character with the puns leaving after about fifteen minutes.
Calling the all spark a soul.
Nolan Batman music in a not Batman film.
Inexplicable armchair room.
Overly complicated plot lines.
Bumblebee not having an awesome body all movie.
Race car boyfriend.
Explaining every single thing in way too much detail.
Fully automated US army – Made in China.
Equally gratuitous overseas product placement.
Thousands and thousands of people die.
“Its a big magnet”…”its sucking up metal and dropping it”
Seriously, racial stereotypes
Nearly passed the Bechdel test…but didn’t
Victorias Secret Bus.
Jimmy’s Hall falls into the all too usual trap of being a film set in Ireland that is all about how terrible it is to be in Ireland. No one really seems to be interested in making a film set in Ireland that is about anything which isn’t intrinsically politicised or thematically religious, like robots, killer clowns (without political agendas) or anything like that. It is not that I don’t think these things are important, Philomena, The Wind that Shakes the Barley, Jimmy’s Hall – all dealing with very important issues, but in the end all so bloody depressing. I am not saying put dinosaurs or killer clowns into those movies, I am saying that surely as a nation Ireland has more to say than how awful it is. Jimmy’s Hall does have the interesting aspect of telling the story of a social activist not aligned completely with any of the usual suspects like the Church, or the IRA, but standing for freedom of expression, freedom from oppression and a fairer society. This means that basically everyone hates him and he must try to forge some unsteady alliances to achieve his goals. None the less it’s a refreshing look at a part of history which is so frequently presented as fervently two sided. It’s not going to cheer you up though.
Wes Anderson has this film making thing locked down. He has realised that, no matter how much money you have to spend on making things look pretty, looking pretty doesn’t always mean looking realistic. As a consequence there are all sorts of fantastic and magical settings in the film, the fictional Republic of Zubrowka has something of the fairy-tale about it, Ludwiggian castles and paper cut clouds. It’s not the real world, but it’s a beautiful place to visit. The story is equally whimsical, it has interesting things to say about loyalty and friendship, fascism, folly and greed, but these things come second to the story. It’s an adventure that would fall into the category of epic were it not about so few people. Ralph Fiennes plays M. Gustav, a man who delights in the pomp and unashamed aesthetic of the world that he occupies, able to see through its slight ridiculousness and remain in the face of all things polite, kind and gentlemanly. By his side though, and the real star of the story is Zero (Tony Revolori) who begins the story as Gustavs humble lobby boy, and ends it his saviour. The best thing is Revoloris straight faced acceptance of all that goes on around him. Above all though, this is the first film I have watched in a while where I didn’t want it to end.
Tracks is like Into the Wild. In fact its almost exactly the same in a lot of respects, just without the depressing ending and overtly philosophical stance. It tells (true) the story of Robyn Davidson, a young woman who decides to trek about a bazillion miles across the Australian desert with nothing but her dog and some camels for company. Along the way she encounters the sort of problems one might expect from such an undertaking, but what has the most impact is the apparent impossibility of escaping the real world of tourists, journalists and people in general. It’s a classic journey of self-discovery tale which works because it doesn’t over state itself. It’s a simple story but it has things to say about the nature of tourism, cultural sensitivity, the Aboriginal peoples place in modern Australia. Also has some interesting facts about camels, but that isn’t as important. Pressing issues the handling of which could have been heavy handed, but it’s played without judgement or overt comment. It’s a slow pace, and not much happens, but it’s a nice vaguely affirming watch.
I have done some nominal research and have discovered that since Charles Dickens’s classic novel A Christmas Carol was published in 1843 it has been adapted for TV and film over four billion times. This is particularly impressive considering that the moving image wasn’t really capable of re-creating the story until around the 1900s. Scrooged is just one of these adaptations. It’s probably the second best after A Muppet Christmas Carol because it does what I believe Dickens always intended with the story, makes it pretty funny. Clearly Scrooge is played for laughs in the original book, the phrase ‘humbug’ being so close to the more overtly hilarious ‘bumhug’ but just off enough to get past the notoriously strict mid-18th century censors. The brilliant Bill Murray makes Scrooge just as filthy and fun as he should always have been, ignore those austere and depressing iterations from the 50s and stick to this fun and stupid version. It is a story we should all pay attention to anyway, it reminds us failure to adhere to Christmas like good little Christians means we’ll get haunted and probably die. Seriously, you will die, and probably no one will go to your funeral. You’ll be dead so it won’t matter, but the moral of the story is, if you are rich old git spend all your money before you die so everyone likes you and comes to your funeral.